Offending Bandidos

Okay, so I've offended my share of people in my lifetime (and most of yours, and yours, and....well, you get the drift). But, being ignorantly offensive is not something I wished to pass along to my children. So much for that dream!

We went to Bandido's on Amelia's birthday (birthday girl eats FREE!!). We were sitting around the table with the resteraunt PACKED with people (of course it was packed, no sense offending people if you can't offend a WHOLE BUNCH of them!!), when Amelia notices the little advertisement posted on the table. "Hey!", she says in her not-so-suddle ear-piercing voice, "they have this special on the second Tuesday of the month- THAT'S NEGRO DAY!!" It felt like the walls shook from the vibration of her screaming it at the top of her lungs. Now, I'm sure I'm over-exaggerating it (which, by the way, I hardly EVER do), but at that moment that's EXACTLY what it seemed like. Scott and I stared at each other for a moment (deer meets car headlights), then leaned over to her and seethed as loudly/softly as possible- "DON'T SAY THAT!"

Now, if any of you have seen the new movie "Hairspray", you'll know what she's talking about. Scott and I knew of course (at least I did), but who wants to stand on a chair in the middle of a Mexican resteraunt and explain that in the movie, Negro Day is the day that the Negros were allowed to dance on the Corny Collins Show to the other 400 people. Not me. We kept our heads down and headed out as soon as possible.

By the way, the 15th of April is Negro Day. Happy Dancing.

Driving Me Crazy

As some of you may, or may not (if my children' haven't gotten to you yet, just wait, they're making their way down the phonebook), know- We had a little "misunderstanding" between the Indiana Bureau of Motor Vehicles/State Police and myself. They thought I had a suspended driver's liscence, I didn't think I did. You'll never guess who won. I thought it was kind of a tie, until a car crash right before Christmas added points to their side (and to MY insurance) and put them over the edge. AT ANY RATE one of my punishments was to "rent" (at $50 a pop) a safe driver's course from Blockbuster and take the online test. The movie is 4 hours long, and stops at certain intervals to MAKE you take a break before you can pass off your next test (which is timed, by the way, so there's very little cheating possible. Also, they ask you completely unassociated questions to driving- for example "What color was Pam's umbrella in the rain scene." HEY! What if I'm color-blind! It's all GREY!!!). Well, the kids decided they would watch a little with me. It has these little computer-animated cartoon characters (one's a hula-dancer, one's a bobble-head, and one's a pine tree air freshener). I was completely insulted! What kind of idiot do they think I am that I require childish entertainment for a driving course. It turns out, had it not been for these weird characters, I would have fallen asleep after the first 4 minutes. Well, the kids THOROUGHLY enjoyed the movie- ALL 4 HOURS OF IT!! Even Ava sat for almost the ENTIRE program before crashing on the floor and snoring away. We would all gather around the computer (except for Scott, who apparently is "too good" for the criminal crowd) and answer the next succession of questions. If I fail, my liscence would be suspended for 90 days, and NO ONE wanted that! It turns out, the only question I missed was one I asked for Scott's opinion on (I would've gloated more, but let's face it- I'm taking a court-ordered driver's safety course. He had waaaay too much to throw back in my face.). So, the kids and I now both have 4 wonderful hours of driver's safety courses behind us- great, right?

WRONG. The wrongest thing I have ever done in my life is let those kids watch that show. This is now my nightmare life in my car:


I'm innocently driving down the road

Enoch: Did you check your mirrors before you got in? I don't think the left one is positioned well enough.

Me: Thanks Enoch. They're fine. Kate, would you grab my chapstick, please?

Kate: Why? Your not going to put it on why you're DRIVING, are you? Do you remember what it said in the film? No makeup or reading or other stuff where you can't pay attention to the road.

Me: Mumble...grumble....Thanks Kate, just pass me the chapstick.

Kate: Here you go, but don't blame me if we wreck!

Having trouble driving because of red I'm seeing at this point.

Amelia: I don't think you put your blinker on soon enough, that doesn't give the guy behind you enough time to notice that you're turning.

Enoch: Yeah, and you don't have a car's length between you and the car in front of you, either.

Me: I'm parking!! Of course I don't! When you're parking, you don't NEED to have a cars length.

Ava: Wong? Wong Mommy, Wong? (Ava's word for 'what's wrong?')

Me: Nothing. Don't worry about it.

Aidan: Why is your face red like that? Do you have a sunburn?

Me: No. Get out of the car. Let's run into Wal-Mart.

Amelia: Run in. That reminds me of the time when that lady ran into us and you didn't have your driver's liscence and you were completely illegal, and they could've taken you to jail because you didn't follow the law.

Me: Thanks, Nancy Drew, for the re-cap.


You'd better believe I'm gearing up for driver's ed with these guys! Payback's not so pretty, just you wait!

Lost

I woke up the other morning, around 7am, to find my bare heiney wiggling.

Yep, wiggling, all on its lonesome.

Turns out, sometime during the night/morning Ava (who had been sleeping with Scott and I since this wonderful RSV bug hit) had wedged her ten bare little piggies into the back of my baggy (now I see WAAAY too baggy) sweatpants and against my bare bum.

I reached down and pulled her feet out, and she yelled (still very much asleep) "MY SHOES! MY SHOES! I LOST MY SHOES!!"

Come on, Ava. It's not THAT big!



Dontcha just love kids. A laugh a minute.

SeaSmells

Scott came up to me in Wal-Mart a while ago and said that Ava had spent the last aisle yelling out "FECES! FECES!! FECES!". Neither one of us could figure out what she was talking about, so we kind of forgot about it.

A few weeks later, Ava was in bed reading a book next to me, when she yells out "CRAP! CRAP!! LOOK MOMMY, CRAP! CRAP AND FECES!!" I looked at the page of the book and burst out laughing. Scott came in, and I showed him the page. It was a page of the ocean with crap (crab) and feces (fishies) all over it.

Drowning

Here's the deal. Sinus infections are becoming the number one killer of comfort in our home right now, that's what lead me to make the drastic decision you are about to read about. WARNING: If you are any bit squeemish, don't continue reading


There are a few things in life that make my stomache do little icky-flips, one is the P*** word that refers to the white part of infection (yep, stomache just did it and I didn't even type the word), another is the sucking thing at the dentists office (my children WILL know of the sacrifices I made just to stay by their side during those moments they spent in the chair, and I spent trying not to hurl), and the third is sticking, spraying, poking, or putting ANYTHING into one's nose. I'm not sure if it started when Aidan had to have the tube up his nose, or when I actually had to do it for him, or it's something that happened at a much younger age that I chose to block out. I DO know that it was renewed with a passion when I witnessed a lady during one of our CHURCH MEETINGS stick a nasal spray up her nose and blast away. I took a running stumble out the door to save myself (and the janitor) any further embarassment.

That little history being said, I spoke with my Mom2, and she told me about a possible solution to our sinus issues. (Had I seen what was coming, I would have stopped her right here). She said they make these (okay, my nose is hurting already), little POTS where you put warm water in, you tilt your head (okay, gagging now) and pour it INTO YOUR NOSE. (I can reel it rising now). THERE'S MORE!!! It doesn't just run INTO your nose, IT COMES OUT THE OTHER SIDE!!! (Must take a break. Be back after some fresh air.)

Okay. There are a few things that I never could, nor would want to, picture my Mom2 doing. One is burping for a prolonged period of time, two is passing noisy, smelly gas, and three STICKING SOMETHING UP HER NOSE AND HAVING IT COME OUT THE OTHER SIDE.
(another break)

Back again. So, Scott comes home last week after being diagnosed from the doctor with a serious sinus infection and pinkeye. I went and got him all of his good little drugs from the store, then remember what his Mom had told me about flushing her brains/sinuses/eyeballs out. They didn't have any little "teapots" but they did have this spray bottle, so you don't have to tilt your head. (I can see now I won't be having breakfast this morning). I let him us it in private, and wanted to know nothing about it....until a few days later when my sinuses were so bad I thought I would have to stick chopsticks in my facial oracles to dig out the crud. I asked Scott how it had gone (had to stop him a few times to catch my breath). He said it was a little 'strange', etc., etc. So I decided to try it. What an idiot.

I closed the door to the bathroom and approached the innocent-enough looking bottle (the great deceiver). I filled the water and added the little packet of "magic dust". I spent a few moments bent over the toilet, then regained my composure. I stuck it up my nose....then took it down again. WHAT AM I DOING?! Perhaps if I were going to win $1 million on Fear Factor or something!....Then, I just did it before I could think about it. Stuck it right up there and sprayed my heart out.

Stop reading if your wretching. I know I am. In fact, I'm not even going to bother to go back and spell check this, writing it is enough.

#1 You know that feeling when you go off the high board into the swimming pool and breathe up your nose as hard as you can as soon as you hit the water? If not, try to imagine. That's what it felt like.

#2 You can actually trace the path of the water, up your nose, through your eyeballs, into your ears, up over your brain. I'm not sure if I was crying because of the incident or because the water was leaking out of my eyeballs.

#3 It goes down the back of your throat (wretch.)

#4 It almost immediately starts pouring out of the other side of your nose. This should be the ultimate 'do I want to marry this person' test- having to watch the love of your life do this.

#5 NOTHING CAME OUT!!! Not a single green dollop, yellowish stringy stuff- NOTHING!!!

#6 After you think you're all done, like an hour later, you bend over to pick something up and another cup and a half of water will pour out of your nose with NO WARNING WHATSOEVER. Note: If you are single, this would not be a good thing to happen during a date. If you're married, this would be hilarious, and great material to use later in life.

#7 When you lay down, the other cup that didn't find it's way out your nose, will run down the back of your throat, essentially trying to drown you. Or make you throw up. Or both.

So, if this doesn't sound like it's for you, I would recommend the chopsticks.

Employment

I posted the following information on our large hall bulletin board yesterday, after pulling most of what was left of my hair out trying to get the kids to get things done. Call it inspiration- call it desperation- I call it a shot in the dark, but it's worth a try. The 'salaries' spoken of will be paid every week directly into a savings account. They must have a minimum of $25 in the account. After that, they can only with draw $10/transaction up to 2 transactions per month. Every two weeks we will give them a bonus of 10% of whatever is still in their account (we're hoping this will encourage them to keep more in it).

They are happy that we are doing this "fun stuff" instead of having to do "school stuff". heh. heh. heh.




HELP WANTED

POSITIONS AVAILABLE:

Schedule Planner/Poster- 1/2 hour training meeting required. Will keep track of all activities on both an individual calander (which must be kept with them at all times) and on the posted family calander. Must be sure that activities are attended on time (will need to post times to leave) and must decide between two actvities that may be scheduled at the same time. Will make any calls needed to verify time and location and any RSVPs. Each morning will post a list of activities planned for that day according to the calendars.

Salary: Up to $5.00 per week. Initial $2 bonus for attending training and you will be given a free small calendar.


Accountant- Must attend a one hour budgeting class. Will keep track of all money coming into and going out of our accounts (with parental guidance). Will have access to our on-line banking account and be responsible for 'reconciling' accounts. Must make sure that all bills are paid on time, each person is paid for their job, and tithing is taken care of. This job requires a great deal of math, and will require a minimum of ½ hour each evening keeping track of receipts, etc.

Salary: From $7.50 to $10.00 per week. Initial $4 bonus and budgeting notebook.


Menu planner/assistant cook- Will require an initial 1 ½ – 2 hour class learning the computer menu and initial planning menu. Will be responsible for laying out and printing up a rotating 3 week menu, including lunch, dinner, and snacks. Will assist cook on days when no assignment is made, or that person is unable to help. Will also be responsible for the weekly grocery list and helping with coupons and sale ads. Wednesday evenings will be an hour planning meeting with Mom/Dad.

Salary: From $7.50 to $10.00. Initial $4 bonus for attending menu planning class.


Teaching planner/assistant- 1 ½ hour training meeting required. Will be required to assist in planning each students schedule for that day, helping to check and grade papers and using the Homeschool Tracker online. Will also help to ensure Zone cleanings are done, and if not, mark it down online and help Mom/Dad to finish up work. Will also help plan and carry out any field trips, library trips, and other events. Will NOT be responsible for bossing others around. That job is already taken.

Salary: From $5.00 to $7.00. Initial $5 bonus for attending training.


Anyone who is interested in applying for these jobs must fill out an application. If you need help, please ask for assistance from a brother or sister. These jobs require dedication and exactness. If you are unable to complete your duties, you will be dismissed from your job and it will be re-posted for others to apply for. There is a one week trial period for all applicants. Following which, they will be required to meet again with management to discuss how well they are doing.



Application Form

Instruction: Please fill out the following form IN FULL. Please use your best cursive (over 9 yrs old) or regular handwriting. Write in complete sentences and use correct punctuation. All of this will be considered when management reviews the applications. Please include a second job choice, as well. Remember, you are trying to impress us, try your best and give us as much information as possible.

Full Name:______________________________________________

Age:_________________________________________

Which position are you applying for: _________________________

What talents and abilities do you have that would make this a good job for you to do: _________________________________________________
________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________

How much time are you able to give to this job:___________________ ________________________________________________________

Are you willing to follow ALL of managements instructions regarding either of these jobs, even if you think it isn't necessary: circle one: yes no

What position would you be interested in if the first job was not available: ________________________________________________________

What talents and abilities do you have that would make this a good job for you to do: _________________________________________________
________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________

Do you understand that your off-the-job behavior will affect your work position as well. For example, if you are caught lying or stealing, you would be immediately dismissed from any job dealing with money. If you are caught being rude or bossy, you would be dismissed from any teaching position. There is a two-strike rule on any given day, however, if you reach the second strike on multiple days, that will lead to a dismissal as well. If you are dismissed, you will not be paid for the remainder of the week. Do you understand these instructions? YES NO
(if no, please circle and we will discuss it when we call you in for your interview).

I have read all of the above information and verify that all of the information I have given is correct to the best of my knowledge.

Signature

Feeling Overwhelmed

I hope my Moms won't mind me sharing this with you. It's a poem I wrote with both of them in mind. My Mom is always doing for others, and has taught me the great importance of service and giving- unfortunately, we sometimes forget the exhaustion and feelings of 'Is it worth it?-Did it matter?'. My "other Mother" (my husband's Mom), is sometimes so involved in so many Church callings that I wonder how she ever manages to get up in the morning. And yet, get up she does. With a smile on her face, and a willing heart. And yet, I see the question in her face, too- 'Can I really do this?-Will He hold me up?'.

The answer is He will, and He does.

These two women will never be on pedestals, and yet, no two people deserve to be on one more. The world would be a better place if everyone could reflect their selfless love and service for others. God could always use extra hands.

TO MY MOM'S:

The phone just rang, I sit and stare
I wonder now who needs me where?
It's Anna and her cat just died-
I sat and listened while she cried.

I picked up Sister Clonskies boy
(who just threw up on Tommy's toys).
I organized six funerals,
It only took 400 calls.

I sat and rocked the nursery kids,
Because their teacher ran and hid,
I've organized my food supply,
Delivered 14 apple pies,

I've checked each sister that I visit,
(Even one who went to prison),
Served until my bones all creak,
Postponed my meals so others can eat.

Exhausted now, I end my day
And kneel beside my bed to pray.
Instantly, I fall asleep
(The spirit's willing, flesh is weak)

When seized upon by warmth and grace
I look toward a loving face.
And then He speaks those words I know
Will travel with me when I go-


"My dearest child, you're weary,
You've lent to me your hands.
Sometimes there aren't enough on earth
To keep up the demand.
But, see your priceless actions
As a beacon to the world,
For when they see your selflessness
They'll hearken to My Word.
And though your hands are calloused,
And pained from all you do
You touch the one's I cannot reach,
You keep them in My view.
My hands and heart can reach the ones
Who look to find Me there,
But others who've been overcome
Choose other paths to wear.
So when these tasks begin to seem
To take upon your life,
Just look to Me, I'll hold you close
And lift you to the light.
Forever I'll be grateful
That you saw each child of Mine
As worthy to receive My love
Through your hands, divine."