Saturday, May 12, 2007

Mother's Day Gift Suggestions

Wow! I can't believe I've been blogging for a year already! Okay, so maybe I'm not the most reliable blogger on the block, but, HEY! Cut me some slack. I do have 5 kids, and sometimes I'm pretty lucky just to be able to have the time to use the bathroom (of course I do try to multi-task while I'm in there- putting clothes down the laundry chute, scrubbing the part of the bathtub I can reach, picking up whatever's on the floor near me...okay, too much information).

So, now on to today's blog:

With Mom's Day tomorrow, I thought that I would list some of the more over-looked, but extremely important mother's day gift ideas. Here goes nothin':

1) Earplugs. If you want to go all out, go ahead and chip in for some child sized straight-jackets and muzzles.

2) Magnetic socks. Socks that, once removed, attach themselves together, through wash and dry cycle, and wherever they may be left.

3) An industrial sized, whole-house, instantaneous sound vacuum, that anticipates and reacts to: whining, back-talk, arguing, and anything else not associated with the phrases: "Yes, mother"; "How did I get so lucky to have you as my Mom"; "You're amazing/beautiful/spectacular/thin"; and "Here, let me do that for you".

4) Snot-absorbing tissues. Tissues that not only get the surface goop, but suction out what would be dripping out in the next hour.

5) Library book location devices. Built on the premise of the heat-seeking cameras, these would cause the long-overdue library books to glow bright orange, and emitt a high, ear-piercing scream (only audible to children), until the book is located. If you could shell out the additional bucks for the carrier pigeon who automatically delivers the books to the library when found, I'm pretty sure they'll be something extra-special in it for you.

6) A "Shadow" Mother. This not-particularly-attractive lady, would show up (by way of 3-D projected larger-than-life-like image) behind your young child (sneering and growling), when approached by the following: Bullies, name-callers, peer-pressure instigators, "just try it" kids, and anyone else who might come to do any type of physical or emotional harm to your child. I believe it goes by the name of "Mother Bear".

7) Animal/Vegetable/Mineral odor-absorbing spray. Works well on diapers and "mystery" van smells as well. Stops the smell before they even make the stink!

8) Time-released NyQuil air spray. Had a long day? Set it for 7pm, and you'll see the yawning start shortly after dinner, with just enough time to slip them into their jammies before they're out! Got an early riser? Set it to go off around 5:30am. Just as she inhales that first morning's yawn, she's back down for the count, giving you that extra-precious hour (or three) of sleep.

9) The laundry sorter/seperater/folder. A little larger than a snowblower, this device will draw clothing found on the floor, seperating the clean from the dirty. With a flip of the switch, and another pass over the piles, it will seperate the dirty into light/white/dark, or the clean piles into individual size piles. The bonus feature is a folding mechanism. So, while it's a little larger than most, quite a bit more expensive, and takes a couple of different swipes back and forth until it's done- it's completely worth it.

10) The best gift of all? A table full of glue, glitter, cut up pieces of cloth, your favorite pearl necklace cut into pieces, some spilled milk and sugar mixture, sawdust, and half a jar of jelly. If you see this when you wake up, you'd better high-tail it back to bed, becuase you're in for a Mother's Day breakfast (probably 5 lbs of grapenuts with 2 tsp of milk, Jelly with a little bread underneath it, room temperature concentrated orange juice, and a fuzzy jolly rancher from someone's pocket) and the best (and possibly heaviest) Mother's Day card ever! Hallmark can't even compare.

I hope all you Mom's out there have a wonderful day.

Just an afterthought for all the Bishop's/Branch President's/Stake President's out there. Have you ever considered having Mother's Day Sunday be a day where the children show up in their PJ's and enjoy a breakfast at church, while their Mom's have a quiet peace-filled morning beautifying themselves for THEIR day? Just a little bug in your ear (not that carnations aren't nice).