Saturday, February 16, 2008

Driving Me Crazy

As some of you may, or may not (if my children' haven't gotten to you yet, just wait, they're making their way down the phonebook), know- We had a little "misunderstanding" between the Indiana Bureau of Motor Vehicles/State Police and myself. They thought I had a suspended driver's liscence, I didn't think I did. You'll never guess who won. I thought it was kind of a tie, until a car crash right before Christmas added points to their side (and to MY insurance) and put them over the edge. AT ANY RATE one of my punishments was to "rent" (at $50 a pop) a safe driver's course from Blockbuster and take the online test. The movie is 4 hours long, and stops at certain intervals to MAKE you take a break before you can pass off your next test (which is timed, by the way, so there's very little cheating possible. Also, they ask you completely unassociated questions to driving- for example "What color was Pam's umbrella in the rain scene." HEY! What if I'm color-blind! It's all GREY!!!). Well, the kids decided they would watch a little with me. It has these little computer-animated cartoon characters (one's a hula-dancer, one's a bobble-head, and one's a pine tree air freshener). I was completely insulted! What kind of idiot do they think I am that I require childish entertainment for a driving course. It turns out, had it not been for these weird characters, I would have fallen asleep after the first 4 minutes. Well, the kids THOROUGHLY enjoyed the movie- ALL 4 HOURS OF IT!! Even Ava sat for almost the ENTIRE program before crashing on the floor and snoring away. We would all gather around the computer (except for Scott, who apparently is "too good" for the criminal crowd) and answer the next succession of questions. If I fail, my liscence would be suspended for 90 days, and NO ONE wanted that! It turns out, the only question I missed was one I asked for Scott's opinion on (I would've gloated more, but let's face it- I'm taking a court-ordered driver's safety course. He had waaaay too much to throw back in my face.). So, the kids and I now both have 4 wonderful hours of driver's safety courses behind us- great, right?

WRONG. The wrongest thing I have ever done in my life is let those kids watch that show. This is now my nightmare life in my car:

I'm innocently driving down the road

Enoch: Did you check your mirrors before you got in? I don't think the left one is positioned well enough.

Me: Thanks Enoch. They're fine. Kate, would you grab my chapstick, please?

Kate: Why? Your not going to put it on why you're DRIVING, are you? Do you remember what it said in the film? No makeup or reading or other stuff where you can't pay attention to the road.

Me: Mumble...grumble....Thanks Kate, just pass me the chapstick.

Kate: Here you go, but don't blame me if we wreck!

Having trouble driving because of red I'm seeing at this point.

Amelia: I don't think you put your blinker on soon enough, that doesn't give the guy behind you enough time to notice that you're turning.

Enoch: Yeah, and you don't have a car's length between you and the car in front of you, either.

Me: I'm parking!! Of course I don't! When you're parking, you don't NEED to have a cars length.

Ava: Wong? Wong Mommy, Wong? (Ava's word for 'what's wrong?')

Me: Nothing. Don't worry about it.

Aidan: Why is your face red like that? Do you have a sunburn?

Me: No. Get out of the car. Let's run into Wal-Mart.

Amelia: Run in. That reminds me of the time when that lady ran into us and you didn't have your driver's liscence and you were completely illegal, and they could've taken you to jail because you didn't follow the law.

Me: Thanks, Nancy Drew, for the re-cap.

You'd better believe I'm gearing up for driver's ed with these guys! Payback's not so pretty, just you wait!

1 comment:

Topher said...

Ok, you'll never guess who's commenting on your blog. Clark ratted you out to us at a ward par-tay tonight. Funny, funny, funny blog. I wouldn't expect anything less from you. Oh, and I'm sort-of getting over being mad that you didn't come by to visit when you were here for Christmas. Probably better since I was ralphing my flu-hatin' guts out that weekend.