Happy Mother's Day

"Another Year Older and Wiser, too, Happy Mother's Day- to YOU!"

Well, another year, and I've made it. Still have every child alive and breathing. If nothing else THAT is cause for celebrating and giving thanks to me. Okay, so maybe Scott helped keep them alive a little. So, on to our Mother's Day story of this year-

I am writing this carefully, knowing that my sweet eternal companion will be reading this and I don't want to offend him (any more than I have and constantly do). So, I will tell this story full of compassion and love, knowing that a husband's idea of shopping/planning for Mother's Day and a woman's/Mom's idea are two very different ideas.

We went to the grocery store last week where I saw a bunch of flowering plants for sale for 50 cents each:

My thought: "Boy, these are sure nice. They would make a very nice, inexpensive gift for the Mom's at church this Mother's Day. Since Scott's responsible for them (at least that's what I assume since he was in charge last year) now would be a great time to pick them up" I say: "Wow! Look how cheap these flowers are! They would be perfect for Mother's Day!"

Scott's thought: (Now I can't be certain, but this is my best guess)" It's 9:00am right now, if we can hurry I can be back home in time for 'Car Talk' by 10:00" He said "Huh?"

My thought: "He just needs a little reminding, then he'll see that I'm trying to save him time and money by getting the flowers early and cheap. Then he'll be able to relax and not have to worry about getting things together at the last minute." So, I say: "Why don't you pick these up for Mother's Day next Sunday?"

Scott's thought: (Again, purely speculation): "Why are we looking at flowers? What a mess that would make? Why would I buy flowers when no one has told me I'm in charge this year? Just because I'm in charge last year doesn't mean anything. If they call and tell me I'm in charge, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it." He says: "No one's told me I'm in charge. I'm not going to worry about it right now"

My thoughts: (I will 'cliff-notes' this for you): "Elder's Quorom is in charge every year, you, as EQ Pres, are therefore in charge. Take a step and call to find out, then you can get them now and not have to worry about them later. Not only will YOU not have to worry about them later, I won't have to listen to you freaking out at the last minute trying to find something and running all over town (when there are clearly, more important things to do- like helping me clean the house) trying to find something that will work, and then spend much more money than necessary. On top of that, we're here, they're cheap- sounds like an obvious sign from God- CAN'T YOU TELL!!! I AM RIGHT, I AM ALWAYS RIGHT, I KNOW WHAT'S BEST, I KNOW HOW IT SHOULD HAPPEN AND WHEN IT SHOULD HAPPEN!!! WHY DON'T YOU JUST LISTEN TO ME ONCE IN A WHILE AND ADMIT THAT?!! -I had to be careful walking around so my head wouldn't pop open, I evidently thought so highly of myself- I say: "Why don't you call and find out if you're in charge this year" (as blood trickles down my cheek from biting my tongue so hard)

Scott's thought: "Less chat, more movement! Car Talk starts in 57 minutes!! CALL someone? Please tell me she's kidding. Do I look like a kid that doesn't know how to take care of myself. Okay, if it will get her to stop nagging and get her to move along, but I'm PRAYING no one's home." He says: " ". Nothing, just dials the phone. God answers prayers, and no one is home. "I'll try later."

End of discussion.

At least on Scott's part. I continue the conversation in my mind for about 15 more minutes wasting valuable time I could be forming more meaningful complete thoughts.

We made it home in time for Car Talk. Prayer number two answered for Scott. Who's side is He on, anyway?

Skip forward a little while and Scott and I are out on a date, where we are looking at flowers for- guess what? Mother's Day. I could have thought of a few more ways I would have liked to spend our date, but any time with him WITHOUT the kids is still considered quality date time. It got us to thinking, if he was able to get something for Mother's Day that would offend just enough people, maybe they would take away his 'Mother's Day Gift Buying' privelege. Which is just what he's hoping for. I will share some of the things we thought of. Word of caution: Some of the following items may be offensive to some people, proceed at your own personal risk:

-KY -and no, I don't mean Kentucky. This was my suggestion, and we even found small inexpensive little trial packets.

-lip wax. What Mother couldn't USE this. Sure, flowers are nice, but they do nothing for that late-in-life lack of estrogen.

-cactus. Let's face it, it's probably the only flower most of us won't kill.

-edible underwear. Quit your groaning, it's only fruit roll-ups, so age wouldn't even matter, everyone could enjoy it.

-a pinata filled with several of the above, as well as the various potted plants for those who want the "old standbye". Give the stick to the oldest person and let 'em whallop away. A good swing for each of the ladies, and they get a little of their venting out as well as some excercise and a treat!

So what ended up happening, you ask?

Scott found a beautiful assortment of flowers (at a fabulous price!), which I helped him wrap up at 11:30 pm Saturday night. He managed to make every Mother happy, and he didn't need a bit of my help. Sorry, Scott- sometimes, it's just hard to switch from "Mother" mode to "Wife" mode. Forgive me for those times I crossover.

And to my own Mom, who taught me the greatest role I will ever fill in my lifetime will have very few worldly rewards and the most extravagent eternal ones- Thank You will never be enough, so I will raise my children the best I can, and instill in them the values and faith you have passed on to me. I love you Mom.

Curriculum Share

Well, tomorrow is our local group's "curriculum share". For those Non-HSers, this is the chance that we get to share some of the educational guides/books/ideas that we love, and perhaps those we even despise. Here is what I should probably share on my table:

Our foreign language curriculum: 6 different Dora the Explorer tapes/CD's. We fluently can say: Dora, Tico, Diego, Esau, Benny, delicioso (okay, we haven't learned how to SPELL the words yet, just say them), astrayas, momy and poppi.

Math: We use a lot of everyday math problems, such as "Do you know how many grams of sugar are in that!", "How many times do I have to tell you to SIT DOWN?!", "You fit HOW MANY marbles down the heating vent?!", and "you can have a teaspoon of ice cream for every minute you can be quiet during this show" (See? That one contains both the study of TIME and MEASUREMENT!). Sometimes we even present challenging questions, such as "If you touch him one more time, I'll make sure you're in time out until 2023! Do you know how old you'll be?!!!".

Reading: My daughter (only 2) can "read" virtually all of her older brother's Pokeman cards, as well as the words "Burger King", "McDonalds", and "Wal-Mart". Her older siblings are learning to read each others diaries and secret love notes that they just "happen" to find stuffed under each others pillows in secret pockets.

Spelling: My older children have quickly learned to spell things like: snack, ice cream, popsicle, going, Daddy, sleeptime, naptime, and other general words they don't want their 2 yr old sister to know that they're saying. In the meantime, the 2 yr old is learning what s-n-a-c-k, c-h-o-c-o-l-a-t-e, and n-a-p spells.

Writing: They have been mastering some of their favorite forms of letters and lists:

1) Apologies to each other, parents, and the occasional person in line behind us
2)10 reasons we should continue to homeschool
3)10 things they love about whatever sibling they just inflicted pain to
4)10 things they can do to help me around the house, so I won't ground them until next month

History: My children have learned a lot of general history this school year. Mainly, Mommy's history, such as: when Mommy was younger: she hated to wear underpants, stole some apples from a neighbors' tree, didn't know how to say the "s" sound properly until she learned how to whistle, and dressed up as a Mommy (toilet plunger and all) for career day at school.

Geography: They can now locate the 7 nearest hospitals, 4 closest Wal-Marts, 5 cheapest gas stations, 2 area rest homes, and every rest stop from here to Kansas.

For Science I figured I'd just bring the first 10 liquids and powders that happen to catch my eye. They tend to mix whatever's around to see how it will turn out.

And, finally, Art: Perhaps the giant replicas of mountains they make with our dirty laundry- actually, mountain RANGE would probably be more appropriate since it can stretch from one end of the house to the other.

So, that's what should be my table, truth be told.

I wonder what everyone else will be bringing?

My Little Boy's Growing Up

Well, my little guy has his first crush- and it's NOT on me, I'm sad to say.

We have a group of homeschoolers that tries to get together each week, and one of the Mom's in the group has become his cupid's target. Her name is Star. When I came to co-op, Aidan saddled right up next to her, and didn't leave her side for most of the time. She offered to take one of the kids to spend the night, and I thought Aidan would kill himself jumping up to offer himself up (what a sacrifice). Unfortunately, I told him no (meanest Mom in the world award, coming right up!), and maybe another time.

Later that evening, Aidan comes up to me, and (absolutely serious) says, "Can Star spend the night at our house, sometime?" Dead serious- and I had to keep a STRAIGHT FACE!!! I told him that maybe Logan or Ariel could spend the night sometime (her kids), but usually Mommies and Daddies don't spend the night at other peoples' houses (he'll found out the whole evil sorded truth about the world in due time. No sense screwing it up now). He went away with his head hung low and feeling completely dejected. His first broken heart.

I'm sure he'll bounce back soon, I saw him eyeing his Primary teacher the other week.

Offending Bandidos

Okay, so I've offended my share of people in my lifetime (and most of yours, and yours, and....well, you get the drift). But, being ignorantly offensive is not something I wished to pass along to my children. So much for that dream!

We went to Bandido's on Amelia's birthday (birthday girl eats FREE!!). We were sitting around the table with the resteraunt PACKED with people (of course it was packed, no sense offending people if you can't offend a WHOLE BUNCH of them!!), when Amelia notices the little advertisement posted on the table. "Hey!", she says in her not-so-suddle ear-piercing voice, "they have this special on the second Tuesday of the month- THAT'S NEGRO DAY!!" It felt like the walls shook from the vibration of her screaming it at the top of her lungs. Now, I'm sure I'm over-exaggerating it (which, by the way, I hardly EVER do), but at that moment that's EXACTLY what it seemed like. Scott and I stared at each other for a moment (deer meets car headlights), then leaned over to her and seethed as loudly/softly as possible- "DON'T SAY THAT!"

Now, if any of you have seen the new movie "Hairspray", you'll know what she's talking about. Scott and I knew of course (at least I did), but who wants to stand on a chair in the middle of a Mexican resteraunt and explain that in the movie, Negro Day is the day that the Negros were allowed to dance on the Corny Collins Show to the other 400 people. Not me. We kept our heads down and headed out as soon as possible.

By the way, the 15th of April is Negro Day. Happy Dancing.

Driving Me Crazy

As some of you may, or may not (if my children' haven't gotten to you yet, just wait, they're making their way down the phonebook), know- We had a little "misunderstanding" between the Indiana Bureau of Motor Vehicles/State Police and myself. They thought I had a suspended driver's liscence, I didn't think I did. You'll never guess who won. I thought it was kind of a tie, until a car crash right before Christmas added points to their side (and to MY insurance) and put them over the edge. AT ANY RATE one of my punishments was to "rent" (at $50 a pop) a safe driver's course from Blockbuster and take the online test. The movie is 4 hours long, and stops at certain intervals to MAKE you take a break before you can pass off your next test (which is timed, by the way, so there's very little cheating possible. Also, they ask you completely unassociated questions to driving- for example "What color was Pam's umbrella in the rain scene." HEY! What if I'm color-blind! It's all GREY!!!). Well, the kids decided they would watch a little with me. It has these little computer-animated cartoon characters (one's a hula-dancer, one's a bobble-head, and one's a pine tree air freshener). I was completely insulted! What kind of idiot do they think I am that I require childish entertainment for a driving course. It turns out, had it not been for these weird characters, I would have fallen asleep after the first 4 minutes. Well, the kids THOROUGHLY enjoyed the movie- ALL 4 HOURS OF IT!! Even Ava sat for almost the ENTIRE program before crashing on the floor and snoring away. We would all gather around the computer (except for Scott, who apparently is "too good" for the criminal crowd) and answer the next succession of questions. If I fail, my liscence would be suspended for 90 days, and NO ONE wanted that! It turns out, the only question I missed was one I asked for Scott's opinion on (I would've gloated more, but let's face it- I'm taking a court-ordered driver's safety course. He had waaaay too much to throw back in my face.). So, the kids and I now both have 4 wonderful hours of driver's safety courses behind us- great, right?

WRONG. The wrongest thing I have ever done in my life is let those kids watch that show. This is now my nightmare life in my car:


I'm innocently driving down the road

Enoch: Did you check your mirrors before you got in? I don't think the left one is positioned well enough.

Me: Thanks Enoch. They're fine. Kate, would you grab my chapstick, please?

Kate: Why? Your not going to put it on why you're DRIVING, are you? Do you remember what it said in the film? No makeup or reading or other stuff where you can't pay attention to the road.

Me: Mumble...grumble....Thanks Kate, just pass me the chapstick.

Kate: Here you go, but don't blame me if we wreck!

Having trouble driving because of red I'm seeing at this point.

Amelia: I don't think you put your blinker on soon enough, that doesn't give the guy behind you enough time to notice that you're turning.

Enoch: Yeah, and you don't have a car's length between you and the car in front of you, either.

Me: I'm parking!! Of course I don't! When you're parking, you don't NEED to have a cars length.

Ava: Wong? Wong Mommy, Wong? (Ava's word for 'what's wrong?')

Me: Nothing. Don't worry about it.

Aidan: Why is your face red like that? Do you have a sunburn?

Me: No. Get out of the car. Let's run into Wal-Mart.

Amelia: Run in. That reminds me of the time when that lady ran into us and you didn't have your driver's liscence and you were completely illegal, and they could've taken you to jail because you didn't follow the law.

Me: Thanks, Nancy Drew, for the re-cap.


You'd better believe I'm gearing up for driver's ed with these guys! Payback's not so pretty, just you wait!

Lost

I woke up the other morning, around 7am, to find my bare heiney wiggling.

Yep, wiggling, all on its lonesome.

Turns out, sometime during the night/morning Ava (who had been sleeping with Scott and I since this wonderful RSV bug hit) had wedged her ten bare little piggies into the back of my baggy (now I see WAAAY too baggy) sweatpants and against my bare bum.

I reached down and pulled her feet out, and she yelled (still very much asleep) "MY SHOES! MY SHOES! I LOST MY SHOES!!"

Come on, Ava. It's not THAT big!



Dontcha just love kids. A laugh a minute.

SeaSmells

Scott came up to me in Wal-Mart a while ago and said that Ava had spent the last aisle yelling out "FECES! FECES!! FECES!". Neither one of us could figure out what she was talking about, so we kind of forgot about it.

A few weeks later, Ava was in bed reading a book next to me, when she yells out "CRAP! CRAP!! LOOK MOMMY, CRAP! CRAP AND FECES!!" I looked at the page of the book and burst out laughing. Scott came in, and I showed him the page. It was a page of the ocean with crap (crab) and feces (fishies) all over it.