The Asylum Part I

I wasn't originally slated to go to the loony bin, but I'm pretty sure that's where I ended up based on my roommate. Here's the story:

When I first arrived, my roommate was a lovely woman In her early 100s with coke bottle glasses and very little movement. We got along quite well. However, things quickly changed on day 2 when she went home and in come Q'Deisha (we'll call her).

I should have known from the beginning it was going to be interesting, but little could I ever expect what was about to come....

As soon as she was sliding into bed she asked me for my menu. I was happy to oblige, and handed it over. She then called down to the cafeteria and ordered a meal fit for....well a BUFFET. I'm pretty sure the call would have been shorter if she just would have ordered one of everything. After she hangs up, she looks at me and says “How old are you?” I said (quickly doing the math), “35”. “Good.” She responded. Good what? I wondered. “Do you have any cigarettes?” she asked. “Nope.” I replied, hitting my narc button a few more times. “Awww. Too bad.” Apparently we wouldn't be smoking buddies.

Well, her banquet came up a short time later, and apparently it wasn't quite up to snuff. She started arguing, quite loudly, with the poor old lady that came up to deliver it. “WHY would I just order PLAIN English muffins? NO ONE orders PLAIN English muffins. I AXED for JELLY and BUTTER wit' dem muffins! Why can't nobody get these things RIGHT?!!! (Gee, perhaps because it was #48 on a list of 73 items you ordered so quickly they couldn't keep up with you. And, hey, I'd order a whole boat load of plain English muffins if I could cram them all into your mouth at one time just to get you to shut your.....muffin hole.)

Apparently, she sent the poor lady back down to get some jelly and butter, and while she's stuffing her...muffin hole the nurse walks in. IMMEDIATELY she begins “axing” the nurse for some pain medicine, and then, while she's STUFFING HER FACE WITH FOOD tells her that she wants her nausea medicine!! I heard that and I needed MY nausea medicine.

Well, I'm settling down, starting to feel the effects of my meds taking the pain away, when the curtain between us FLIES open with this lovely metallic SCRREEEEECCCHHHH. “I'm claustrophobic so I can't have this curtain closed.” she announces to me. “You don't mind, do you?” What am I going to say? Hey, I saw her take down the lunch lady, who am I to argue with her over the curtain. “Nope.” I said, trying to find a way to sink myself into the hospital bed until I become invisible. Didn't work. Moments later, she came up to my bed and said “Come here, I need you to help me with this.” I'm trying to discreetly hit my nurses button a hundred times. Apparently (like crosswalk buttons) it doesn't bring anything any quicker if you press it REEEEEAL hard. Just makes your IV arm hurt. “Uh. Isn't there a nurse to help you?” “Awwww, no. They's all too busy.” She says depositing an armload of tape, bandages and swabs onto my bed. “I'ms a gonna take a shower, and 'dis here cain't get wet, so's I needs you to tape it up good for me.” And down drops the right side of her gown. Not prepared to see someone's...uh...”eggs over-easy”...I think my jaw hit the floor before her gown did. She starts handing me the stuff, and I'm trying to do this with one finger on each hand, not wanting to make contact with...well, with anything to be honest with you. I kept looking longingly over at the nurses button WILLING it to ring LOUDER at their desk. Just as I'm...uh....”rounding the yolk”, the nurse walks in. I look at her with eyes PLEADING for help. She took one look at me, and...I swear...was busting up laughing internally. I almost heard her think 'I see Ms. Q'Deisha found herself another sucker'. I finished up and hit the bed before I heard her scream at the nurse- “I need my pain medicine and nausea medicine too!” Hey, while you're at it could you get me something to erase the last two hours of my memory? Perhaps something that will leave me comatose.....or HER!

This doesn't even conclude our first day....oh yes, it gets better (or worse, depending on who you are).

This is very Private

This is my first day home from another week in the hospital (which I will blog about AT LENGTH as soon as my blogging strength is up. It is quite the story, trust me.).
I woke up this morning to Ava yelling - "Aidan Where are your PRIVATE PLACES?!!" It took a moment for me to comprehend what she was asking, and not completely sure that Aidan wouldn't just comply to keep her quiet, I shake myself awake to make sure I'm understaning this exchange correctly. Then she yells (like a good tatteling little sister "MOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM Aidan won't show me his PRIVATE PLACES!" I yelled back "Ava! Private places are anything that your bathing suit covers!!" (We're yelling because were several rooms apart) She comes into my room and tells me "But I want to see Aidan's private places and he won't let me!" (I'm gone 6 days and my children have gone to hell in a handbasket. What next? Vodka in the cheerios?) "Ava, only Mommy, Daddy, and the doctors are allowed to look at your private places." I explained. She just stared at me like I was an idiot. Not a far stretch, I'm sure. "But Mommy, how am I supposed to find him when he hides?"


Give a little bit and you'll get it.

The Mollies

Okay, I'm trying to download a videolink of The Mollies video from Youtube, but I think I'm failing miserably. Me and computers- a match made ...... never.

Not quite a year

Well, well, well. Three holes in the ground.

Yep, it's been a while. I'd love to tell you it was a year filled with a whole bunch of nothing, but who would really believe that? We'll let it all dribble out slowly in the upcoming posts.

You must really give me more credit this time around, however. I'm dealing with dial-up, so each painful posts takes about 1/2 to one hour to complete (if it doesn't decide to poop out on me before that). In addition, all of the people who are trying to get in touch with me can't because I'm tying up the phone line. Okay, so maybe that's a plus.

Well, we are continuing to settle into our HOME. Yep, H-O-M-E. We knew it was our from the very first basement flood. We like to think of it as "baptizing the home". We are just finishing up the downstairs "scary" bathroom- not so scary anymore, and what used to be the icky laundry room and funky extra room with no door (now a larger laundry/closet room where ALL of the kids clothes get hung and stored). We're trying to finish the basement to the best of our ability before Scott's parents come at the beginning of July. Really they're just an excuse to get things hurried up and moved along downstairs. Nothing like company coming over to get you motivated to clean!

Well, Friday we have our first garage sale at our home. We're getting rid of most of our dressers and bigger furniture hoping to raise some money to put a floor in downstairs (and maybe even fill up the propane tank!). We'll keep you updated and let you know how it goes. The kids are in the front yard right now "washing" some of the things we're selling. My guess is that they're soaking wet, and the items are completely dry- and still dirty. Oh the fun of a garden hose.

Hey! I just signed up for facebook (which I swore I would never do), but it won't let me request any more friends, so....if you're not yet me friend and want to be, you'll have to request it!

One more thing!! I've heard of a GREAT new indie group called "the Happies" (they also go by the name "The Mollies". You can download some of their songs, and even watch one of their videos (Float My Boat) on youtube. I'll try and attach, but...it's dial up...so.....here goes:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdHLznq8FxU

I happen to know one of the cutie lead singers. Actually know three of the singers, just don't know how cute the others are.

Tim Hawkins

While I'm away, I thought I'd share some laughter from other sources than our own.

Enjoy!

Move #19 / Temporary Insanity

Maybe the insanity isn't so temporary after all!

Well, the time is finally here! We have spent the last 8 years waiting for "Heavenly Father to get our home ready" as Kate would say, and now, only 19 moves later, we'll be in our home on July 26th. If the kids all make it there alive, that is. I should know by now that it's pointless to pack anytime prior to 48 hours before the actual move. I'm pretty sure I've packed some of the same boxes more than 5 TIMES!! Ava seems to think that each packed box is a present for her, and, therefore, must open and unpack it as quickly as possible. She is very good at it, in fact.

The only sad thing about the house is that the swing set that Ava obsesses over when we visit there (and that they promised to keep) is gone. I don't want to even think of the look on her face when she sees it's gone. She never takes time to even look at the house, just heads straight for the backyard to swing and slide. We are keeping our fingers crossed that someone will have one on freecycle for us, but it's not looking good. :(

I know that I haven't kept up very well, and I'm here to say...It ain't gonna get much better. With the move and general chaos of our lives, we will try and post again as soon as possible, until then

there's one last funny to share with you. Hopefully, this will keep you laughing for a while:

A few weeks ago, I was trying to get Ava to go to and STAY IN bed. Each time she would get out of bed and come crying to me, I would just stand up, say nothing, and put her back into bed. Around the 318th time, she comes out crying, and as soon as I stood up, she starts bawling "NOT AGAIN!!" and Ipick her up (holding back my laughter) and put her back in bed. A few minutes later...her she comes....sees me stand up...and starts crying "Not again!!!", all the way back to bed. After about 346 more times of this, I finally caught on, and as soon as I saw her round the corner, I cried out "NOT AGAIN!". She was a little stunned, but continued her plea as well. Eventually she fell asleep....but not before I did.

Take care!

Tanya

Coming Soon to a Single's Ward Near You

Well, we said our farewells to one of our long-lasting, great missionaries this evening. He's been here somewhere in the neighborhood of 8-9 months. Long enough for a full-fledged man of God to be born. Not exactly, I guess. By the time he made it here, he was probably pretty far along in the whole birthing process, but to see him two days before he returned home was like watching this beautiful metamorphoses take place.

I've always told everyone that I knew I would only marry a returned missionary. Some people thought that was putting a pretty tight restriction on who I would date (truth be known- I dated just about anything that moved, I was a little more particular on who I was engaged to, and even MORE picky on who I said 'Yes' to).

I always knew, from a 4 year old girl being taught by the missionaries, that these guys had something special going for them. At the time, I had no idea what it was, I just knew that our house was a much better place when the missionaries were in it.

We teased our Elder Garner incessantly about being mobbed by the girls as soon as he walked off the plane (I believe someone referred to him as "God Candy"- you know, kind of like "Eye Candy" something yummy, but you can only look at it, except this was something appetizing that was still God's and not yet ready for SWF consumption). I don't think returned missionaries quite get what makes them more attractive (physically and spiritually) than others, so I decided to share my personal thoughts on this matter.

--This one's for you Davey (Elder G.)--

What makes a RM (returned missionary) more attractive than NRM (non-RM's)

1) You get a good sense of where their priorities lie (and it's not in the latest PlayStation 2 game)

2) They know what it's like to have to work your butt off, sometimes for nothing more than knowing you are doing it for the right reason

3) They have tasted grosser cooking than you could possibly conjure up as a wife, and learned to smile and say 'delicious!' (this was BIG points in my case)

4) They have faced insurmountable odds each day for two years, looked the adversary in the face, and ran him down (sometimes with their bike and/or car)

5) They know what true joy feels like and what pain and desperation look like. They have worked the last two years making sure everyone knows where to find the first, and that they never have to reclaim the second.

6) What guy doesn't look EXCELLENT in a suit and tie?

7) I knew if my husband always put God first, I would never have to be second. I know that a marriage is built between two people WITH God.

8) Missionaries have spent two years learning to communicate and understand all different walks of life and personalities. A big plus in any relationship.

9) They realize the importance of praying with your companion, and working on goals together.

10) Their faith is solid, their roots- securely ground to the earth. They are true and faithful to what matters most to them, and they have proven that for more than 24 months. They have given up their lives for the Lord, payed their 10% tithing on their 20 years of life. They have doubted at times, and felt the reassuring hand of God comfort and direct them. They are warriors of the truth, soldiers of our God, and have been molded to become the future fathers and husbands that the world so desperately needs.

They are what is right about the world. They are what I pray each day that my son will emulate. I see the fire in their eyes, and I know that a mother sent a boy on a mission and a man will return. How proud she should be, and how proud I am to know them.

Well done, thou good and faithful servant,
Well done, thou good and faithful son.
You have seen the field is white,
You have fought a winning fight,
You have earned the Savior's gentle praise,
Well done.