Tim Hawkins

While I'm away, I thought I'd share some laughter from other sources than our own.

Enjoy!

Move #19 / Temporary Insanity

Maybe the insanity isn't so temporary after all!

Well, the time is finally here! We have spent the last 8 years waiting for "Heavenly Father to get our home ready" as Kate would say, and now, only 19 moves later, we'll be in our home on July 26th. If the kids all make it there alive, that is. I should know by now that it's pointless to pack anytime prior to 48 hours before the actual move. I'm pretty sure I've packed some of the same boxes more than 5 TIMES!! Ava seems to think that each packed box is a present for her, and, therefore, must open and unpack it as quickly as possible. She is very good at it, in fact.

The only sad thing about the house is that the swing set that Ava obsesses over when we visit there (and that they promised to keep) is gone. I don't want to even think of the look on her face when she sees it's gone. She never takes time to even look at the house, just heads straight for the backyard to swing and slide. We are keeping our fingers crossed that someone will have one on freecycle for us, but it's not looking good. :(

I know that I haven't kept up very well, and I'm here to say...It ain't gonna get much better. With the move and general chaos of our lives, we will try and post again as soon as possible, until then

there's one last funny to share with you. Hopefully, this will keep you laughing for a while:

A few weeks ago, I was trying to get Ava to go to and STAY IN bed. Each time she would get out of bed and come crying to me, I would just stand up, say nothing, and put her back into bed. Around the 318th time, she comes out crying, and as soon as I stood up, she starts bawling "NOT AGAIN!!" and Ipick her up (holding back my laughter) and put her back in bed. A few minutes later...her she comes....sees me stand up...and starts crying "Not again!!!", all the way back to bed. After about 346 more times of this, I finally caught on, and as soon as I saw her round the corner, I cried out "NOT AGAIN!". She was a little stunned, but continued her plea as well. Eventually she fell asleep....but not before I did.

Take care!

Tanya

Coming Soon to a Single's Ward Near You

Well, we said our farewells to one of our long-lasting, great missionaries this evening. He's been here somewhere in the neighborhood of 8-9 months. Long enough for a full-fledged man of God to be born. Not exactly, I guess. By the time he made it here, he was probably pretty far along in the whole birthing process, but to see him two days before he returned home was like watching this beautiful metamorphoses take place.

I've always told everyone that I knew I would only marry a returned missionary. Some people thought that was putting a pretty tight restriction on who I would date (truth be known- I dated just about anything that moved, I was a little more particular on who I was engaged to, and even MORE picky on who I said 'Yes' to).

I always knew, from a 4 year old girl being taught by the missionaries, that these guys had something special going for them. At the time, I had no idea what it was, I just knew that our house was a much better place when the missionaries were in it.

We teased our Elder Garner incessantly about being mobbed by the girls as soon as he walked off the plane (I believe someone referred to him as "God Candy"- you know, kind of like "Eye Candy" something yummy, but you can only look at it, except this was something appetizing that was still God's and not yet ready for SWF consumption). I don't think returned missionaries quite get what makes them more attractive (physically and spiritually) than others, so I decided to share my personal thoughts on this matter.

--This one's for you Davey (Elder G.)--

What makes a RM (returned missionary) more attractive than NRM (non-RM's)

1) You get a good sense of where their priorities lie (and it's not in the latest PlayStation 2 game)

2) They know what it's like to have to work your butt off, sometimes for nothing more than knowing you are doing it for the right reason

3) They have tasted grosser cooking than you could possibly conjure up as a wife, and learned to smile and say 'delicious!' (this was BIG points in my case)

4) They have faced insurmountable odds each day for two years, looked the adversary in the face, and ran him down (sometimes with their bike and/or car)

5) They know what true joy feels like and what pain and desperation look like. They have worked the last two years making sure everyone knows where to find the first, and that they never have to reclaim the second.

6) What guy doesn't look EXCELLENT in a suit and tie?

7) I knew if my husband always put God first, I would never have to be second. I know that a marriage is built between two people WITH God.

8) Missionaries have spent two years learning to communicate and understand all different walks of life and personalities. A big plus in any relationship.

9) They realize the importance of praying with your companion, and working on goals together.

10) Their faith is solid, their roots- securely ground to the earth. They are true and faithful to what matters most to them, and they have proven that for more than 24 months. They have given up their lives for the Lord, payed their 10% tithing on their 20 years of life. They have doubted at times, and felt the reassuring hand of God comfort and direct them. They are warriors of the truth, soldiers of our God, and have been molded to become the future fathers and husbands that the world so desperately needs.

They are what is right about the world. They are what I pray each day that my son will emulate. I see the fire in their eyes, and I know that a mother sent a boy on a mission and a man will return. How proud she should be, and how proud I am to know them.

Well done, thou good and faithful servant,
Well done, thou good and faithful son.
You have seen the field is white,
You have fought a winning fight,
You have earned the Savior's gentle praise,
Well done.

Happy Father's Day

This Father's Day, I thought I would share with you my great love and admiration for the Father in my life.

Growing up, my parent's divorced when I was young, so we always celebrated my Mom on Father's Day. She truly deserved every thank-you. It wasn't until I was older, and beginning to date (with marriage in mind) that I began to think much more about my Father. The little I knew about my own Father, I didn't admire. I am grateful that he gave me the chance to fulfill my mission here on earth. If nothing else, I can give him that.

My true Father joined my life when I was 20 years old.

As I said before, when I dated, I constantly thought about how each person would be as a Father to my children. My best gauge for this was his own Father. I was seriously involved several times with guys, but I just couldn't get past their Fathers. One had a Father who's prized possessions were an arsenol of illegal guns stashed in his basement- YIKES! Another had a Father that HARDLY EVER communicated with his wife. No joke- I spent 8 months living with his family (while the son was on a mission) and it was a RARE treat to see his Father engage his mother in a conversation that included more than a few grunts. His son was a good enough boyfriend, but with that kind of role model to look up to, I was a little apprehensive as to what the future would bring.

Enter, THE ONE...

My future husband, that is. Scott and I dated for roughly 2 weeks and 2 days. I knew he was the one the first Sunday after the first Monday that we met. I was playing hookey from church, and I received a call from Scott. He was calling from church asking where I was. Apparently too dim-whitted to think of a good lie, I told him I was just hanging out at home. He told me he would be there in about 15 minutes to pick me up and bring me to church. I hung up the phone and knew immediately that I would marry him. Now, to find out about his Dad....

I don't remember the first time I met Scott's Dad (henceforth referred to as "Dad"). I wouldn't be surprised if he remembered me, though. I had just moved to Kansas City from New Jersey, where I spent many nights in NYC going out on the town. I was pretty wild and crazy, and was enjoying life. I had finally made my peace with God, and knew who I was. I had a strong testimony and wasn't afraid to share it with everyone. I was completely unorthodox, wearing black and white striped hose with my Doc Martens to church. And no, they weren't your ordinary Doc's, we're talking orthopedic, multi-colored clown shoes. They were awesome. I was doubtful they were Dad's cup of tea, though. I remember meeting Scott's family and thinking how NICE they were, and could they be REAL? I was intruiged by watching the interaction between his mother and father, and could have sat and listened to them for hours. They were what I wanted. What I wanted as a child, and what I wanted for my children. While I already new I had found my future husband, I had just realized I had found my Father as well.

Here are a few things that have set Dad apart from the rest:

-Shiny, silky PJ's. The day Scott and I announced we were engaged, it was right before bed, and Scott's Dad had on these silky pajamas. I still crack up when I think about it.

-Tears. I think it was Dad who said something about crying everytime the sun rises. That may be the case, but it never fails. When he is speaking, and tears fill his eyes, the spirit is tangible.

-Strictness. Funny, funny, story. The first time my Mom ever met Scott's parents, we went over to their house (where Scott was still living), and were getting ready to go somewhere. Scott hadn't mowed the lawn, as he had been told to do, and my Mom and I had to sit and wait until he finished before we could go. Whooooo-eeeee was Scott mad! I thought it was hilarious, but then again, it wasn't happening to me. We use this story often with our own children.

-Sense of Duty. I wouldn't even know where to begin with this one. I guess one of the best things I remember, is when our youngest son, Aidan, was admitted to the hospital for immediate life-threatening surgery. Scott called his Dad, sobbing to him that we were at the Children's Hospital and we needed to give Aidan a blessing NOW. It seemed like mere seconds went by, before Dad was by our side, laying his hands on Aidan's tiny head. I don't remember the words, but I'll never forget the feeling. Dad sat with us as we talked to the surgeon. He was there. He was there as a priesthood holder, as a Father, and as a Grandfather.

-Love. I felt love from my Mother continuously, but had never felt it from a Father before. Until Dad. I could tell you the first time he hugged me and the first compliment he ever gave me. I had never received those before, and they seemed so foreign to me. Over the years, there have been many hugs, many laughs, many tears, and even some words of wisdom. I have treasured each one, each moment with him. While I was not born to him, I feel he was born to me, from Scott. Never before in my life, have I felt such love for an earthly Father, and never and again will I have to feel that love withheld.

On this Father's day, I give my greatest thanks to you, Dad. You will never be my Father-In-Law, you will always be my Dad. My love and gratitude to you for raising a son who lives up to his covenants, and for being the example I have prayed for all of my life. Our family is eternally bound.

Your daughter,
Tanya

Happy Mother's Day

"Another Year Older and Wiser, too, Happy Mother's Day- to YOU!"

Well, another year, and I've made it. Still have every child alive and breathing. If nothing else THAT is cause for celebrating and giving thanks to me. Okay, so maybe Scott helped keep them alive a little. So, on to our Mother's Day story of this year-

I am writing this carefully, knowing that my sweet eternal companion will be reading this and I don't want to offend him (any more than I have and constantly do). So, I will tell this story full of compassion and love, knowing that a husband's idea of shopping/planning for Mother's Day and a woman's/Mom's idea are two very different ideas.

We went to the grocery store last week where I saw a bunch of flowering plants for sale for 50 cents each:

My thought: "Boy, these are sure nice. They would make a very nice, inexpensive gift for the Mom's at church this Mother's Day. Since Scott's responsible for them (at least that's what I assume since he was in charge last year) now would be a great time to pick them up" I say: "Wow! Look how cheap these flowers are! They would be perfect for Mother's Day!"

Scott's thought: (Now I can't be certain, but this is my best guess)" It's 9:00am right now, if we can hurry I can be back home in time for 'Car Talk' by 10:00" He said "Huh?"

My thought: "He just needs a little reminding, then he'll see that I'm trying to save him time and money by getting the flowers early and cheap. Then he'll be able to relax and not have to worry about getting things together at the last minute." So, I say: "Why don't you pick these up for Mother's Day next Sunday?"

Scott's thought: (Again, purely speculation): "Why are we looking at flowers? What a mess that would make? Why would I buy flowers when no one has told me I'm in charge this year? Just because I'm in charge last year doesn't mean anything. If they call and tell me I'm in charge, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it." He says: "No one's told me I'm in charge. I'm not going to worry about it right now"

My thoughts: (I will 'cliff-notes' this for you): "Elder's Quorom is in charge every year, you, as EQ Pres, are therefore in charge. Take a step and call to find out, then you can get them now and not have to worry about them later. Not only will YOU not have to worry about them later, I won't have to listen to you freaking out at the last minute trying to find something and running all over town (when there are clearly, more important things to do- like helping me clean the house) trying to find something that will work, and then spend much more money than necessary. On top of that, we're here, they're cheap- sounds like an obvious sign from God- CAN'T YOU TELL!!! I AM RIGHT, I AM ALWAYS RIGHT, I KNOW WHAT'S BEST, I KNOW HOW IT SHOULD HAPPEN AND WHEN IT SHOULD HAPPEN!!! WHY DON'T YOU JUST LISTEN TO ME ONCE IN A WHILE AND ADMIT THAT?!! -I had to be careful walking around so my head wouldn't pop open, I evidently thought so highly of myself- I say: "Why don't you call and find out if you're in charge this year" (as blood trickles down my cheek from biting my tongue so hard)

Scott's thought: "Less chat, more movement! Car Talk starts in 57 minutes!! CALL someone? Please tell me she's kidding. Do I look like a kid that doesn't know how to take care of myself. Okay, if it will get her to stop nagging and get her to move along, but I'm PRAYING no one's home." He says: " ". Nothing, just dials the phone. God answers prayers, and no one is home. "I'll try later."

End of discussion.

At least on Scott's part. I continue the conversation in my mind for about 15 more minutes wasting valuable time I could be forming more meaningful complete thoughts.

We made it home in time for Car Talk. Prayer number two answered for Scott. Who's side is He on, anyway?

Skip forward a little while and Scott and I are out on a date, where we are looking at flowers for- guess what? Mother's Day. I could have thought of a few more ways I would have liked to spend our date, but any time with him WITHOUT the kids is still considered quality date time. It got us to thinking, if he was able to get something for Mother's Day that would offend just enough people, maybe they would take away his 'Mother's Day Gift Buying' privelege. Which is just what he's hoping for. I will share some of the things we thought of. Word of caution: Some of the following items may be offensive to some people, proceed at your own personal risk:

-KY -and no, I don't mean Kentucky. This was my suggestion, and we even found small inexpensive little trial packets.

-lip wax. What Mother couldn't USE this. Sure, flowers are nice, but they do nothing for that late-in-life lack of estrogen.

-cactus. Let's face it, it's probably the only flower most of us won't kill.

-edible underwear. Quit your groaning, it's only fruit roll-ups, so age wouldn't even matter, everyone could enjoy it.

-a pinata filled with several of the above, as well as the various potted plants for those who want the "old standbye". Give the stick to the oldest person and let 'em whallop away. A good swing for each of the ladies, and they get a little of their venting out as well as some excercise and a treat!

So what ended up happening, you ask?

Scott found a beautiful assortment of flowers (at a fabulous price!), which I helped him wrap up at 11:30 pm Saturday night. He managed to make every Mother happy, and he didn't need a bit of my help. Sorry, Scott- sometimes, it's just hard to switch from "Mother" mode to "Wife" mode. Forgive me for those times I crossover.

And to my own Mom, who taught me the greatest role I will ever fill in my lifetime will have very few worldly rewards and the most extravagent eternal ones- Thank You will never be enough, so I will raise my children the best I can, and instill in them the values and faith you have passed on to me. I love you Mom.

Curriculum Share

Well, tomorrow is our local group's "curriculum share". For those Non-HSers, this is the chance that we get to share some of the educational guides/books/ideas that we love, and perhaps those we even despise. Here is what I should probably share on my table:

Our foreign language curriculum: 6 different Dora the Explorer tapes/CD's. We fluently can say: Dora, Tico, Diego, Esau, Benny, delicioso (okay, we haven't learned how to SPELL the words yet, just say them), astrayas, momy and poppi.

Math: We use a lot of everyday math problems, such as "Do you know how many grams of sugar are in that!", "How many times do I have to tell you to SIT DOWN?!", "You fit HOW MANY marbles down the heating vent?!", and "you can have a teaspoon of ice cream for every minute you can be quiet during this show" (See? That one contains both the study of TIME and MEASUREMENT!). Sometimes we even present challenging questions, such as "If you touch him one more time, I'll make sure you're in time out until 2023! Do you know how old you'll be?!!!".

Reading: My daughter (only 2) can "read" virtually all of her older brother's Pokeman cards, as well as the words "Burger King", "McDonalds", and "Wal-Mart". Her older siblings are learning to read each others diaries and secret love notes that they just "happen" to find stuffed under each others pillows in secret pockets.

Spelling: My older children have quickly learned to spell things like: snack, ice cream, popsicle, going, Daddy, sleeptime, naptime, and other general words they don't want their 2 yr old sister to know that they're saying. In the meantime, the 2 yr old is learning what s-n-a-c-k, c-h-o-c-o-l-a-t-e, and n-a-p spells.

Writing: They have been mastering some of their favorite forms of letters and lists:

1) Apologies to each other, parents, and the occasional person in line behind us
2)10 reasons we should continue to homeschool
3)10 things they love about whatever sibling they just inflicted pain to
4)10 things they can do to help me around the house, so I won't ground them until next month

History: My children have learned a lot of general history this school year. Mainly, Mommy's history, such as: when Mommy was younger: she hated to wear underpants, stole some apples from a neighbors' tree, didn't know how to say the "s" sound properly until she learned how to whistle, and dressed up as a Mommy (toilet plunger and all) for career day at school.

Geography: They can now locate the 7 nearest hospitals, 4 closest Wal-Marts, 5 cheapest gas stations, 2 area rest homes, and every rest stop from here to Kansas.

For Science I figured I'd just bring the first 10 liquids and powders that happen to catch my eye. They tend to mix whatever's around to see how it will turn out.

And, finally, Art: Perhaps the giant replicas of mountains they make with our dirty laundry- actually, mountain RANGE would probably be more appropriate since it can stretch from one end of the house to the other.

So, that's what should be my table, truth be told.

I wonder what everyone else will be bringing?

My Little Boy's Growing Up

Well, my little guy has his first crush- and it's NOT on me, I'm sad to say.

We have a group of homeschoolers that tries to get together each week, and one of the Mom's in the group has become his cupid's target. Her name is Star. When I came to co-op, Aidan saddled right up next to her, and didn't leave her side for most of the time. She offered to take one of the kids to spend the night, and I thought Aidan would kill himself jumping up to offer himself up (what a sacrifice). Unfortunately, I told him no (meanest Mom in the world award, coming right up!), and maybe another time.

Later that evening, Aidan comes up to me, and (absolutely serious) says, "Can Star spend the night at our house, sometime?" Dead serious- and I had to keep a STRAIGHT FACE!!! I told him that maybe Logan or Ariel could spend the night sometime (her kids), but usually Mommies and Daddies don't spend the night at other peoples' houses (he'll found out the whole evil sorded truth about the world in due time. No sense screwing it up now). He went away with his head hung low and feeling completely dejected. His first broken heart.

I'm sure he'll bounce back soon, I saw him eyeing his Primary teacher the other week.

Offending Bandidos

Okay, so I've offended my share of people in my lifetime (and most of yours, and yours, and....well, you get the drift). But, being ignorantly offensive is not something I wished to pass along to my children. So much for that dream!

We went to Bandido's on Amelia's birthday (birthday girl eats FREE!!). We were sitting around the table with the resteraunt PACKED with people (of course it was packed, no sense offending people if you can't offend a WHOLE BUNCH of them!!), when Amelia notices the little advertisement posted on the table. "Hey!", she says in her not-so-suddle ear-piercing voice, "they have this special on the second Tuesday of the month- THAT'S NEGRO DAY!!" It felt like the walls shook from the vibration of her screaming it at the top of her lungs. Now, I'm sure I'm over-exaggerating it (which, by the way, I hardly EVER do), but at that moment that's EXACTLY what it seemed like. Scott and I stared at each other for a moment (deer meets car headlights), then leaned over to her and seethed as loudly/softly as possible- "DON'T SAY THAT!"

Now, if any of you have seen the new movie "Hairspray", you'll know what she's talking about. Scott and I knew of course (at least I did), but who wants to stand on a chair in the middle of a Mexican resteraunt and explain that in the movie, Negro Day is the day that the Negros were allowed to dance on the Corny Collins Show to the other 400 people. Not me. We kept our heads down and headed out as soon as possible.

By the way, the 15th of April is Negro Day. Happy Dancing.

Driving Me Crazy

As some of you may, or may not (if my children' haven't gotten to you yet, just wait, they're making their way down the phonebook), know- We had a little "misunderstanding" between the Indiana Bureau of Motor Vehicles/State Police and myself. They thought I had a suspended driver's liscence, I didn't think I did. You'll never guess who won. I thought it was kind of a tie, until a car crash right before Christmas added points to their side (and to MY insurance) and put them over the edge. AT ANY RATE one of my punishments was to "rent" (at $50 a pop) a safe driver's course from Blockbuster and take the online test. The movie is 4 hours long, and stops at certain intervals to MAKE you take a break before you can pass off your next test (which is timed, by the way, so there's very little cheating possible. Also, they ask you completely unassociated questions to driving- for example "What color was Pam's umbrella in the rain scene." HEY! What if I'm color-blind! It's all GREY!!!). Well, the kids decided they would watch a little with me. It has these little computer-animated cartoon characters (one's a hula-dancer, one's a bobble-head, and one's a pine tree air freshener). I was completely insulted! What kind of idiot do they think I am that I require childish entertainment for a driving course. It turns out, had it not been for these weird characters, I would have fallen asleep after the first 4 minutes. Well, the kids THOROUGHLY enjoyed the movie- ALL 4 HOURS OF IT!! Even Ava sat for almost the ENTIRE program before crashing on the floor and snoring away. We would all gather around the computer (except for Scott, who apparently is "too good" for the criminal crowd) and answer the next succession of questions. If I fail, my liscence would be suspended for 90 days, and NO ONE wanted that! It turns out, the only question I missed was one I asked for Scott's opinion on (I would've gloated more, but let's face it- I'm taking a court-ordered driver's safety course. He had waaaay too much to throw back in my face.). So, the kids and I now both have 4 wonderful hours of driver's safety courses behind us- great, right?

WRONG. The wrongest thing I have ever done in my life is let those kids watch that show. This is now my nightmare life in my car:


I'm innocently driving down the road

Enoch: Did you check your mirrors before you got in? I don't think the left one is positioned well enough.

Me: Thanks Enoch. They're fine. Kate, would you grab my chapstick, please?

Kate: Why? Your not going to put it on why you're DRIVING, are you? Do you remember what it said in the film? No makeup or reading or other stuff where you can't pay attention to the road.

Me: Mumble...grumble....Thanks Kate, just pass me the chapstick.

Kate: Here you go, but don't blame me if we wreck!

Having trouble driving because of red I'm seeing at this point.

Amelia: I don't think you put your blinker on soon enough, that doesn't give the guy behind you enough time to notice that you're turning.

Enoch: Yeah, and you don't have a car's length between you and the car in front of you, either.

Me: I'm parking!! Of course I don't! When you're parking, you don't NEED to have a cars length.

Ava: Wong? Wong Mommy, Wong? (Ava's word for 'what's wrong?')

Me: Nothing. Don't worry about it.

Aidan: Why is your face red like that? Do you have a sunburn?

Me: No. Get out of the car. Let's run into Wal-Mart.

Amelia: Run in. That reminds me of the time when that lady ran into us and you didn't have your driver's liscence and you were completely illegal, and they could've taken you to jail because you didn't follow the law.

Me: Thanks, Nancy Drew, for the re-cap.


You'd better believe I'm gearing up for driver's ed with these guys! Payback's not so pretty, just you wait!

Lost

I woke up the other morning, around 7am, to find my bare heiney wiggling.

Yep, wiggling, all on its lonesome.

Turns out, sometime during the night/morning Ava (who had been sleeping with Scott and I since this wonderful RSV bug hit) had wedged her ten bare little piggies into the back of my baggy (now I see WAAAY too baggy) sweatpants and against my bare bum.

I reached down and pulled her feet out, and she yelled (still very much asleep) "MY SHOES! MY SHOES! I LOST MY SHOES!!"

Come on, Ava. It's not THAT big!



Dontcha just love kids. A laugh a minute.

SeaSmells

Scott came up to me in Wal-Mart a while ago and said that Ava had spent the last aisle yelling out "FECES! FECES!! FECES!". Neither one of us could figure out what she was talking about, so we kind of forgot about it.

A few weeks later, Ava was in bed reading a book next to me, when she yells out "CRAP! CRAP!! LOOK MOMMY, CRAP! CRAP AND FECES!!" I looked at the page of the book and burst out laughing. Scott came in, and I showed him the page. It was a page of the ocean with crap (crab) and feces (fishies) all over it.

Drowning

Here's the deal. Sinus infections are becoming the number one killer of comfort in our home right now, that's what lead me to make the drastic decision you are about to read about. WARNING: If you are any bit squeemish, don't continue reading


There are a few things in life that make my stomache do little icky-flips, one is the P*** word that refers to the white part of infection (yep, stomache just did it and I didn't even type the word), another is the sucking thing at the dentists office (my children WILL know of the sacrifices I made just to stay by their side during those moments they spent in the chair, and I spent trying not to hurl), and the third is sticking, spraying, poking, or putting ANYTHING into one's nose. I'm not sure if it started when Aidan had to have the tube up his nose, or when I actually had to do it for him, or it's something that happened at a much younger age that I chose to block out. I DO know that it was renewed with a passion when I witnessed a lady during one of our CHURCH MEETINGS stick a nasal spray up her nose and blast away. I took a running stumble out the door to save myself (and the janitor) any further embarassment.

That little history being said, I spoke with my Mom2, and she told me about a possible solution to our sinus issues. (Had I seen what was coming, I would have stopped her right here). She said they make these (okay, my nose is hurting already), little POTS where you put warm water in, you tilt your head (okay, gagging now) and pour it INTO YOUR NOSE. (I can reel it rising now). THERE'S MORE!!! It doesn't just run INTO your nose, IT COMES OUT THE OTHER SIDE!!! (Must take a break. Be back after some fresh air.)

Okay. There are a few things that I never could, nor would want to, picture my Mom2 doing. One is burping for a prolonged period of time, two is passing noisy, smelly gas, and three STICKING SOMETHING UP HER NOSE AND HAVING IT COME OUT THE OTHER SIDE.
(another break)

Back again. So, Scott comes home last week after being diagnosed from the doctor with a serious sinus infection and pinkeye. I went and got him all of his good little drugs from the store, then remember what his Mom had told me about flushing her brains/sinuses/eyeballs out. They didn't have any little "teapots" but they did have this spray bottle, so you don't have to tilt your head. (I can see now I won't be having breakfast this morning). I let him us it in private, and wanted to know nothing about it....until a few days later when my sinuses were so bad I thought I would have to stick chopsticks in my facial oracles to dig out the crud. I asked Scott how it had gone (had to stop him a few times to catch my breath). He said it was a little 'strange', etc., etc. So I decided to try it. What an idiot.

I closed the door to the bathroom and approached the innocent-enough looking bottle (the great deceiver). I filled the water and added the little packet of "magic dust". I spent a few moments bent over the toilet, then regained my composure. I stuck it up my nose....then took it down again. WHAT AM I DOING?! Perhaps if I were going to win $1 million on Fear Factor or something!....Then, I just did it before I could think about it. Stuck it right up there and sprayed my heart out.

Stop reading if your wretching. I know I am. In fact, I'm not even going to bother to go back and spell check this, writing it is enough.

#1 You know that feeling when you go off the high board into the swimming pool and breathe up your nose as hard as you can as soon as you hit the water? If not, try to imagine. That's what it felt like.

#2 You can actually trace the path of the water, up your nose, through your eyeballs, into your ears, up over your brain. I'm not sure if I was crying because of the incident or because the water was leaking out of my eyeballs.

#3 It goes down the back of your throat (wretch.)

#4 It almost immediately starts pouring out of the other side of your nose. This should be the ultimate 'do I want to marry this person' test- having to watch the love of your life do this.

#5 NOTHING CAME OUT!!! Not a single green dollop, yellowish stringy stuff- NOTHING!!!

#6 After you think you're all done, like an hour later, you bend over to pick something up and another cup and a half of water will pour out of your nose with NO WARNING WHATSOEVER. Note: If you are single, this would not be a good thing to happen during a date. If you're married, this would be hilarious, and great material to use later in life.

#7 When you lay down, the other cup that didn't find it's way out your nose, will run down the back of your throat, essentially trying to drown you. Or make you throw up. Or both.

So, if this doesn't sound like it's for you, I would recommend the chopsticks.

Employment

I posted the following information on our large hall bulletin board yesterday, after pulling most of what was left of my hair out trying to get the kids to get things done. Call it inspiration- call it desperation- I call it a shot in the dark, but it's worth a try. The 'salaries' spoken of will be paid every week directly into a savings account. They must have a minimum of $25 in the account. After that, they can only with draw $10/transaction up to 2 transactions per month. Every two weeks we will give them a bonus of 10% of whatever is still in their account (we're hoping this will encourage them to keep more in it).

They are happy that we are doing this "fun stuff" instead of having to do "school stuff". heh. heh. heh.




HELP WANTED

POSITIONS AVAILABLE:

Schedule Planner/Poster- 1/2 hour training meeting required. Will keep track of all activities on both an individual calander (which must be kept with them at all times) and on the posted family calander. Must be sure that activities are attended on time (will need to post times to leave) and must decide between two actvities that may be scheduled at the same time. Will make any calls needed to verify time and location and any RSVPs. Each morning will post a list of activities planned for that day according to the calendars.

Salary: Up to $5.00 per week. Initial $2 bonus for attending training and you will be given a free small calendar.


Accountant- Must attend a one hour budgeting class. Will keep track of all money coming into and going out of our accounts (with parental guidance). Will have access to our on-line banking account and be responsible for 'reconciling' accounts. Must make sure that all bills are paid on time, each person is paid for their job, and tithing is taken care of. This job requires a great deal of math, and will require a minimum of ½ hour each evening keeping track of receipts, etc.

Salary: From $7.50 to $10.00 per week. Initial $4 bonus and budgeting notebook.


Menu planner/assistant cook- Will require an initial 1 ½ – 2 hour class learning the computer menu and initial planning menu. Will be responsible for laying out and printing up a rotating 3 week menu, including lunch, dinner, and snacks. Will assist cook on days when no assignment is made, or that person is unable to help. Will also be responsible for the weekly grocery list and helping with coupons and sale ads. Wednesday evenings will be an hour planning meeting with Mom/Dad.

Salary: From $7.50 to $10.00. Initial $4 bonus for attending menu planning class.


Teaching planner/assistant- 1 ½ hour training meeting required. Will be required to assist in planning each students schedule for that day, helping to check and grade papers and using the Homeschool Tracker online. Will also help to ensure Zone cleanings are done, and if not, mark it down online and help Mom/Dad to finish up work. Will also help plan and carry out any field trips, library trips, and other events. Will NOT be responsible for bossing others around. That job is already taken.

Salary: From $5.00 to $7.00. Initial $5 bonus for attending training.


Anyone who is interested in applying for these jobs must fill out an application. If you need help, please ask for assistance from a brother or sister. These jobs require dedication and exactness. If you are unable to complete your duties, you will be dismissed from your job and it will be re-posted for others to apply for. There is a one week trial period for all applicants. Following which, they will be required to meet again with management to discuss how well they are doing.



Application Form

Instruction: Please fill out the following form IN FULL. Please use your best cursive (over 9 yrs old) or regular handwriting. Write in complete sentences and use correct punctuation. All of this will be considered when management reviews the applications. Please include a second job choice, as well. Remember, you are trying to impress us, try your best and give us as much information as possible.

Full Name:______________________________________________

Age:_________________________________________

Which position are you applying for: _________________________

What talents and abilities do you have that would make this a good job for you to do: _________________________________________________
________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________

How much time are you able to give to this job:___________________ ________________________________________________________

Are you willing to follow ALL of managements instructions regarding either of these jobs, even if you think it isn't necessary: circle one: yes no

What position would you be interested in if the first job was not available: ________________________________________________________

What talents and abilities do you have that would make this a good job for you to do: _________________________________________________
________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________

Do you understand that your off-the-job behavior will affect your work position as well. For example, if you are caught lying or stealing, you would be immediately dismissed from any job dealing with money. If you are caught being rude or bossy, you would be dismissed from any teaching position. There is a two-strike rule on any given day, however, if you reach the second strike on multiple days, that will lead to a dismissal as well. If you are dismissed, you will not be paid for the remainder of the week. Do you understand these instructions? YES NO
(if no, please circle and we will discuss it when we call you in for your interview).

I have read all of the above information and verify that all of the information I have given is correct to the best of my knowledge.

Signature

Feeling Overwhelmed

I hope my Moms won't mind me sharing this with you. It's a poem I wrote with both of them in mind. My Mom is always doing for others, and has taught me the great importance of service and giving- unfortunately, we sometimes forget the exhaustion and feelings of 'Is it worth it?-Did it matter?'. My "other Mother" (my husband's Mom), is sometimes so involved in so many Church callings that I wonder how she ever manages to get up in the morning. And yet, get up she does. With a smile on her face, and a willing heart. And yet, I see the question in her face, too- 'Can I really do this?-Will He hold me up?'.

The answer is He will, and He does.

These two women will never be on pedestals, and yet, no two people deserve to be on one more. The world would be a better place if everyone could reflect their selfless love and service for others. God could always use extra hands.

TO MY MOM'S:

The phone just rang, I sit and stare
I wonder now who needs me where?
It's Anna and her cat just died-
I sat and listened while she cried.

I picked up Sister Clonskies boy
(who just threw up on Tommy's toys).
I organized six funerals,
It only took 400 calls.

I sat and rocked the nursery kids,
Because their teacher ran and hid,
I've organized my food supply,
Delivered 14 apple pies,

I've checked each sister that I visit,
(Even one who went to prison),
Served until my bones all creak,
Postponed my meals so others can eat.

Exhausted now, I end my day
And kneel beside my bed to pray.
Instantly, I fall asleep
(The spirit's willing, flesh is weak)

When seized upon by warmth and grace
I look toward a loving face.
And then He speaks those words I know
Will travel with me when I go-


"My dearest child, you're weary,
You've lent to me your hands.
Sometimes there aren't enough on earth
To keep up the demand.
But, see your priceless actions
As a beacon to the world,
For when they see your selflessness
They'll hearken to My Word.
And though your hands are calloused,
And pained from all you do
You touch the one's I cannot reach,
You keep them in My view.
My hands and heart can reach the ones
Who look to find Me there,
But others who've been overcome
Choose other paths to wear.
So when these tasks begin to seem
To take upon your life,
Just look to Me, I'll hold you close
And lift you to the light.
Forever I'll be grateful
That you saw each child of Mine
As worthy to receive My love
Through your hands, divine."